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Quotes by SubjectBOOZE RUM: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers. WHEAT: A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. They drink with impunity or with anybody who invites them. Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts. CHILDREN/FAMILY What maintains one Vice would bring up two children.
Happy is said to be the family which can eat onions together. They are, for the time being, separate from the world, and have a harmony of aspiration. I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. It is not observed in history that families improve with time. There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins. Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. COMMON SENSE/LIFE OBSERVATIONS There is no good in arguing with the inevitable. The only argument available with an east wind is to put on your overcoat. Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done. I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time. I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else. It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient. Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust. The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease. There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can’t suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb. When I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck. Watch out when you’re getting all you want. Fattening hogs ain’t in luck. A tart temper never mellows with age, and a sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use. There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in traveling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one’s position, and be bruised in a new place. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. I have made a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time. It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. Necessity is the mother of taking chances. Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. CONCEIT A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle. He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth. Flattery is like cologne water; to be smelt, not swallowed. It is fortunate that each generation does not comprehend its own ignorance. We are thus enabled to call our ancestors barbarous. One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs. Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied. When people do not respect us we are greatly offended; yet in his private heart, no man much respects himself. When red-haired people are above a certain social grade, their hair is auburn. EDUCATION A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one. An investment in knowledge pays the best interest. Mishaps are like knives, that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or by the handle. One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning. Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. Everything has its limit – iron ore cannot be educated into gold. FOOLS Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. Beauty and folly are old companions. Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other. He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. The World is full of fools and faint hearts; and yet every one has courage enough to bear the misfortunes, and wisdom enough to manage the Affairs, of his neighbor. The family of fools is ancient. He that speaks much, is much mistaken. The learned fool writes nonsense in better language that the unlearned - but it's still nonsense. He’s a Fool that cannot conceal his Wisdom. Tricks and treachery are the practice of fools that don't have brains enough to be honest. We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it. Silence is not always a Sign of Wisdom, but Babbling is ever a Folly. People always overdo the matter when they attempt deception. Some people are so fond of bad luck they run half way to meet it. The foolish and the dead alone never change their opinions. Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit. The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way. In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. HAPPINESS Goodness comes out of people who bask in the sun, as it does out of a sweet apple roasted before the fire. Mud-pies gratify one of our first and best instincts. So long as we are dirty, we are pure. No man but feels more of a man in the world if he have a bit of ground that he can call his own. However small it is on the surface, it is four thousand miles deep; and that is a very handsome property. One of the best things in the world to be is a boy; it requires no experience, but needs some practice to be a good one. Happiness grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens. Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. Happiness must be cultivated. It is like character. It is not a thing to be safely let alone for a moment, or it will run to weeds. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one – keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. HONESTY A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable. There ain't any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare. Trust everybody, but cut the cards. The new year begins in a snow-storm of white vows. The greatest homage we can pay to truth, is to use it. About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand. No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true. A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Better a broken promise than none at all. Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t. When in doubt, tell the truth. LEGAL SYSTEM LITIGATION: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer, an honest man. A good lawyer, a bad neighbor. Don’t misinform your doctor nor your lawyer. The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. MARRIAGE BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. There are three faithful friends - an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. The happy married man dies in good style at home, surrounded by his weeping wife and children. The old bachelor don't die at all - he sort of rots away, like a pollywog's tail. Marriage is like wine: it is not properly judged until the second glass. The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married. Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it. MEDICAL He’s a fool that makes his doctor his heir. Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. Don’t misinform your doctor nor your lawyer. God heals, and the doctor takes the fee. MEN & WOMEN There is nothing that disgusts a man like getting beaten at chess by a woman. Let us all be happy, and live within our means, even if we have to borrow the money to do it with. A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary. Nature makes woman to be won and men to win. The test of civilization is its estimate of women. When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. MONEY/SUCCESS By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. KLEPTOMANIAC: A rich thief. Laziness travels so slowly, that poverty soon overtakes him. Creditors have better memories than debtors. Creditors are a superstitious sect, great observers of set days and times. It is as truly folly for the poor to ape the rich, as for the frog to swell, in order to equal the ox. It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright. He that rises late must trot all day. He that waits upon fortune, is never sure of a dinner. He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. He that lives upon hope will die fasting. If a man could have half of his wishes, he would double his troubles. If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some. Up, sluggard, and waste not life; in the grave will be sleeping enough. Make haste slowly. Necessity never made a good bargain. Never confuse motion with action. The Things which hurt, instruct. There are three faithful friends - an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. One Man may be more cunning than another, but not more cunning than everybody else. We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately. When in doubt, don't. A Slip of the Foot you may soon recover, but a Slip of the Tongue you may never get over. When you're finished changing, you're finished. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody. He that sows Thorns should never go barefoot. Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones. Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. A great idea is usually original to more than one discoverer. Great ideas come when the world needs them. Great ideas surround the world's ignorance and press for admission. The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little. Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work. POLITICS CONSERVATIVE: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. INCUMBENT: A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. REVOLUTION: In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. ULTIMATUM: In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. VOTE: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Politics makes strange bedfellows. Public opinion is stronger than the legislature, and nearly as strong as the ten commandments. The thing generally raised on city land is taxes. I am not a politician, and my other habits are also good. Why don't you show us a statesman who can rise up to the emergency, and cave in the emergency's head. The best thing I know between France and England is the sea. There are no friends at cards or world politics. Democracy is the form of government that gives every man the right to be his own oppressor. Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. RELIGION FAITH: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. MONDAY: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. PRAY: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. RELIGION: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. SAINT: A dead sinner revised and edited. God heals, and the doctor takes the fee. Religion is in the heart, not in the knees. A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case. Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at. Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors. Man – a creature made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired. Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah…didn’t miss the boat. The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. WARPED Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable. Don't jump on a man unless he is down. Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals. One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it. Vice is a creature of such hideous mien…that the more you see it the better you like it. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. |
