There once was a lady from Guam,
Who said, "Now the sea is so calm
I will swim, for a lark;"
But she met with a shark.
Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm. |
A fellow named Teddy Magee,
Rolling homeward one night from a spree,
Met the parson, who said,
"Ah! drunk again, Ted!"
"Sho’ am I, parson,” gurgled Magee.
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I wish that my Room had a Floor!
I don’t so Much Care for a Door,
But this Crawling Around
Without Touching the Ground
Is Getting to be Quite a Bore!
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A Tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
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There once was a corpulent carp
Who wanted to play on a harp,
But to his chagrin
So short was his fin
That he couldn't reach up to C sharp. |
There was a young lady of Crete,
Who was so exceedingly neat,
When she got out of bed
She stood on her head,
To make sure of not soiling her feet. |
There was a man in Atchison,
Whose trousers had rough patchison ;
He found them great,
He'd often state,
To scratch his parlor matchison. |
There was an old man in a hearse,
Who murmured, "This might have been worse;
Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
But it doesn't come out of my purse.” |
There was a young man from the West,
Who loved a young lady with zest;
So hard did he press her
To make her say, "Yes, sir,"
That he broke three cigars in his vest. |
There was a young sailor of Lyd,
Who loved a fair Japanese kid;
When it came to good-bye,
They were eager but shy,
So they put up a sunshade and…did. |
There once was a maiden of Siam,
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
"If you kiss me, of course
You will have to use force,
But God knows you're stronger than I am." |
For beauty I am not a star,
There are others more handsome by far:
But my face; I don't mind it,
For I am behind it;
It's the people in front that I jar. |
A father once said to his son,
"The next time you make up a pun,
Go out in the yard
And kick yourself hard,
And I will begin when you're done." |
There was an old woman of Tweedle,
Who sat down in church on a needle;
Though deeply imbedded,
'Twas luckily threaded,
And extracted at once by the beadle.*
*(A beadle was a minor church official/usher) |
There was an old fellow named Green,
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
And sideways he couldn't be seen. |
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin,
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped through the straw and fell in. |
There was an old man from Antigua,
Whose wife said, "My dear, what a pig you are!"
He replied, "O my queen,
Is it manners you mean,
Or do you refer to my fig-u-a?" |
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who had a great fondness for gherkins;
She went to a tea
And ate twenty-three,
Which pickled her internal workin’s. |
There was a young lady named Maud,
A very deceptive young fraud;
She never was able
To eat at the table,
But out in the pantry, O Lawd! |
There was a young maid who said, "Why
Can't I look in my ear with my eye?
If I put my mind to it
I’m sure I can do it:
You never can tell till you try!” |
There once was a lonesome, lorn spinster,
And luck had for years been a’ginst her ;
When a man came to burgle
She shrieked, with a gurgle,
"Stop thief, while I call in a min’ster!" |
There was a young lady named Hannah,
Who slipped on a peel of banana.
More stars she espied
As she lay on her side
Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.
*****
A gentleman sprang to assist her;
He picked up her glove and her wrister;
"Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried;
"Do you think," she replied,
“I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?" |
There once was a doughty young fly,
Who said, "I will do it or die;"
So she took off her stocking,
A spectacle shocking,
And waded right into a pie. |
There was a young woman from Wilts
Who went up to Scotland on stilts.
When they said, "Oh, how shocking
To show so much stocking!"
She answered, "Well, how about kilts?" |
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who believed in original sin.
She'd try to be good
As hard as she could,
And then she'd go at it a’gin. |
The Sultan got sore at his harem
And invented a scheme for to scare 'em;
He caught him a mouse
Which he loosed in the house;
(The confusion is called harem-scarem). |
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny,
“A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?" |
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee,"
Said the flea, "Let us fly,"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
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A Lion emerged from his lair
For a short summer cut to his hair.
But the Barber he wept;
While his customers slept
As they waited their turn in the chair.
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There once was a happy hyena
Who played on an old concertina.
He dressed very well,
And in his lapel
He carelessly stuck a verbena.
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One Saturday opulent Ollie
Thought he’d go for a ride on the trolley;
But his pennies were few,-
He only had two,-
So he went and made mud-pies with Polly.
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There once was an arch Armadillo
Who built him a hut ‘neath a willow;
He hadn’t a bed
So he rested his head
On a young Porcupine for a pillow. |
A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.
"But,” said he, "I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee." |
There was a young person named Ned,
Who dined, before going to bed,
On lobster and ham
And salad and jam,
And when he awoke he was dead. |
There once was a pious young priest,
Who lived almost wholly on yeast;
“For,” he said, "it is plain
We must all rise again,
And I want to get started, at least.” |
There was a young lady named Ruth,
Who had a great passion for truth.
She said she would die
Before she would lie,
And she died in the prime of her youth. |
There was a young lady of Skye,
With a shape like a capital I;
She said, "It's too bad!
But then, I can pad,"
Which shows you that figures can lie. |
There was a young lady from Joppa,
Whose friends all decided to drop her.
She went to Ostend
On a trip with a friend…
And the rest of the story's improper. |
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter named Nan
Ran away with a man,
And alas for the bucket, Nan-tuck-et!
*****
But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket,
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan;
And as for the bucket, Paw-tuck-et! |
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party;
So exclusive and few
Were the friends that he knew
That no one was present but Smarty. |
There was an old monk of Siberia,
Whose existence grew drearier and drearier;
He burst from his cell
With a hell of a yell,
And eloped with the Mother Superior. |
There's a lady in Kalamazoo,
Who bites all her oysters in two:
She has a misgiving,
Should any be living,
They'd raise such a hullabaloo. |